How to Teach Your Children Embarrassment Is Ok
How to Teach Your Children Embarrassment Is Ok
One of my first, most vivid life memories was the time I tagged along with my older brother to his Boy Scout meeting at the town Elks Hall. I remember the feeling of excitement because not only did I get access to the “boy stuff” but it also afforded me a unique opportunity to be with my dad. The icing on that cake was that I was able to run around freely with my friend Kaitlin as her 2 older brothers were in the same troop. Kaitlin and I found joy through the 6/7 year old version of panhandling to our every other weekend fathers, begging for spare change so we could put them in the vending machine in the ladies bathroom. What came out of those vending machines were these magical boxes with special prizes inside. Why would they be selling boxes of chocolate in the ladies bathroom at the town's elks hall? Who knew, but we WON!
What we really bought were pads and tampons, items that we knew nothing about but knew they existed in our homes free, under the sink in the bathroom, We ripped open the box expecting candy but to find layers of compacted cotton. We would then tear the layers of cotton apart, wondering what it all was. We did this several times and for some reason, never interrupted when a grown up woman entered the shared bathroom and we never thought twice about doing so. It was a moment of uninhibited exploration but grew bored after the initial high of it was over. When it was time to go, I knew how to navigate the room to find my dad by the color and texture of his pants. Little person in a room filled with big people, that was the obvious choice. I would wrap my legs around his right leg and sit on his foot. When he took steps, I would grasp as tight as possible so I wouldn’t fall off this comforting carousel ride. Ready to leave, with my patience completely deteriorated, tugging on his pants, finding it difficult to see all the way to the top of the ride, when a voice from across the room screamed for me to “come on Cheri! Time to go! Cheri!” My vision cleared and indeed identified the ankle, leg ride I had been on for god knows how long was NOT my father, indicating I had done something terribly wrong and was completely embarrassed by my actions. Why did that guy let me use his ankle as a huggy toy? I have thought about this memory on and off for my whole life. I have come to realize that it was perhaps not only my first vivid memory but my first and biggest embarrassing moment. Six year old embarrassment is real. I never shared this with my family in an effort to release myself of any future embarrassment. How did I know what embarrassment really was or why did I bother to feel such a complex feeling at such a young age? There were feelings of shame and disappointment too! Like, why didn’t my dad even know where I was and see that I was on some random man’s ankle? Why didn’t my Dad have the self-awareness and clarity to help me in my time of need when I didn’t even know I needed help? I knew, at that young age what the grown ups in my life were not capable of and looking back, I understand how this incident colored so much of how I operated through life. It was not until I became a therapist at 30 years old (and a therapy patient) that I really understood the limitations my family had and how that formed who I am.
What I have enjoyed most in my practice is connecting the adults in the room to the experience of the child. Parenting is hard and there are so many ways to mess it up but that’s ok, that’s where I come in. My goal is to help families understand each other in different ways to help each other grow. This one incident that I have described above was an early example of what not to do. Why couldn’t I ask my parents what were in the vending machines? Why did I have to go to my brother's boy scout meeting and not participate in the fun things the boys were doing? Why couldn’t my Dad keep an eye on me and know what I was up to? Why did I take on the failures of the adults in the room as my own shame? I never said anything and here I am today writing about it, so here are some tips from a pro to help ease the embarrassment/shame spiral in your own kids to help alleviate potential future anxiety.
Own Your Own Mistakes and Embarrassments
Show your kids how resilient you are! Mistakes will be made, it's how we grow and that’s ok. Kids make mistakes because they are learning how to be humans, through you! Use your own developmentally appropriate examples of how you have overcome adversity. You are their role model, act like it!
Validate, Validate, Validate!
Their pain is real, don’t undermine it with your own projections or reactions. Validate that they are feeling this pain, embarrassment or shame. Kids start to express and feel these complex emotions by 3 years old. Save the gushing over their cuteness for later. Use the validation moments to help teach them more about what is going on inside their spongey growing brains. “It’s ok to feel these feelings and mom or dad are here to help you”.
Help Build Self Esteem
How does the goose shake that water off her back so easily? Because her mother told her she could! Maybe not, but support your child’s interests and strengths. If they don’t have one in particular, perhaps join them while they build their next lego creation or watch their favorite video with them. Follow their lead and let them know they are capable. Fostering their skills in any particular interest will help build their self-esteem as well as your relationship with them. Be their “assistant” rather than their “boss” when it comes to special interests.
Of course there are always varying cases and instances so this is not a cure all for anything, merely my brief perspective. As always, if you or your family is in need of more support, please reach out to a professional for more guidance.
Cheryl Walpole Tiku MPS, ATR-BC, LCAT
Website: https://www.cherylwalpoletikuarttherapy.com/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cherylwalpoletikulcat/